i just arrived from kl.well baby i'm back!huhu.i have to go to my so-called office to meet the manager. he asks to see me tomorrow at 8.30am.so early?!will have to sleep at 1030 la tonight!hehe.well, since i just got back i have a story to tell.let me start with;
ARSHAD, RORO, IZHAR and NANA
for sending me to the airport today!:):):)
so i woke up early this morning to continue packing up my stuff.i ended up with 3 heavy bags!1 hand luggage and another two masuk cargo.these 2 bags were 20.9kgs in weight.luckily i wasn't charged for the exceeded weight limit.fuhhh~ the interesting part of the day would be about those 4 names i have written up there.haha.the initial plan was to pick me up at k.baby's apartment and headed down to kajang and putrajaya to pick up miji and gasket(never met them).due to lost in direction,we did not have time to stop there.haha.this was caki's fault.and bris too.huu.but caki covered up by saying, the kid that he had asked for direction of my apartment gave him the wrong one.so they mistakenly went to sg buloh.lalu tol and all.and and,bris and nana, they got lost even before that.roro da bawak kete lambat gile and bris couldn't catch up.his excuse was-kete baru x bole bawak laju.poorah!haha.well,the disappointing part is, both caki and bris have been to my apartment twice ok?they shouldn't have been lost patutnye.ooh bris,mentang2 ade awek ko lost eh!hahaha.caki and roro arrived at 1.30 and we directly pg klia.bris and nana?we asked them to find their own way.haha.very funny ok.ktorg sampai airport at 2pm.well,just nice la kan.and had lunch at kfc while waiting for this 'couple' to arrive.me and caki call maki2 suruh cepat sampai.exaggeration.x maki pun.bising bris bawa lembab!!!haha tp seriously,bris sgt la bole diharap~ thanx bris!oh,they arrived on time at 2.40pm just when i was about nk masuk da.haha.bebel2 sket kt bris and masuk.die kate 'janji dapat hantar'.haha.tp lmbt!i hugged nana then masuk.caki took a picture.nnt i ask for the picture ok?all in all,i am very much happy because beside my sister and anp, xde org pernah send me off.somehow, i am touched:) therefore, again, thank you caki roro bris and nana:)
p/s: bris, org da bg chance gunekan!apedaaa~
1) transformers
2) harry potter
3) lord of the rings
movies on my list:
1) transformers:revenge of the fallen
2) public enemies
3) harry potter and the half blood prince
4) the taking of pelham 123
5) state of play
for those who still don't know, i am going to kl from 26-30 june ok?
my two cousins
me and ain
my mom went grocery-ing
nothing to update actually haha!
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Just a few months after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years with us. Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young. Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him through university. You could say that she suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby to where he is today.
I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant greenery.
Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down, he said: "Lets go fetch mother." Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to test on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into his pockets. Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to back down, he would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrender and beg for mercy. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling.
Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her. For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, she could not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also can't eat flowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will also become better." Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people' s habit; slowly you will get use to it." Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter, whenever came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her and she would shake her head and express displeasure. Sometimes, when I come home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much they cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it. Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: "You little fool, just don't tell her the full price of everything would solve it."
There began the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle.
Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast. In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At the breakfast table, mother facial expression is always like the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest.
As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and am exhausted from along day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother makes. From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon her help created additional work for me. For example: she would keep all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags; she would scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash them again.
One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and "Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room. Hubby was placed in a difficult po siti on, and after that, he did not speak to me for that entire night. I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me.... I got mad and asked him: "What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you just give in to her once? We couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is, right?" After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the house. During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to please.
In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother took on the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without any prompting. At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work. That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD, is it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you chose not to eat at home?" He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me. After some time, hubby sighed: "LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?" I am left with no choice but to return to the breakfast table.
The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up my throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I could not. I threw down the bowl, rushed into the washroom, and vomited everything out. Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at me with fire burning in his eyes.. I opened my mouth but no words came out of it, I really did not mean it.
We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us, then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a final stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs. For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call. I was so furious, since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up with her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I keep having the feeling to throw up and I simply have not appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at home, I was at then low point in my life.
Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible; you should go and see a doctor." The doctor confirmed that I was pregnant. Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn't hubby, and mother who had been through this before, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that day? At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there. It had only been three days, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him. He followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my heart. I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab. At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me around in circles of joy. What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started rolling down. Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the test of one fight?
Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket. That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit book and some money and left the house. Maybe he really intends to leave me for good. What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again. The next day, I did not go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird
look and said: "Mr. Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital."
I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the time I found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look at me, his face was expressionless. I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the tears in my eyes. My god, how could this happen? Throughout the funeral, hubby did not say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from other people. That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the countryside. As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her...I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that morning, if we had not quarreled, if....In his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his mother.
Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self-pity and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in. I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at all.
Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we were living together like strangers who don't know each other. I am like the dead knot in his heart.
One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant. After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything. The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me, challenging me. I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by one as if at the brink of death. I eventually backed down, if I had stood that any longer, I would collapse together with the baby inside me.
That night, he did not come home; he had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me: Following mother's death so did our love for each other.
He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had returned to take some of his stuff. I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything to him vanished. I lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not.. I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her death.
One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room. The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without even looking at it. In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a while, I will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine.
As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you cannot cry...." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out from there. After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pulled the paper towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him. "LD, are you pregnant?" Since mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said: "Yes, but its ok, you can leave now." He did not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other. He tore the papers and slowly moved over me, his tears wetting the blanket. In my heart, everything seemed so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I could never reach them. I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me. I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't. In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever. We have drawn such deep scars in each other's heart. For me, it's unintentional; for him, totally intentional. I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone was gone forever.
Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart, I was totally cold towards him, I no longer ate anything he bought for me, I don't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him. From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my heart. Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep in mother's room. At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet. This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that last time I cared for him and am concerned because there was love, but now, what is there between us? Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing but I continuously ignored him.
Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it was full. I knew he is trying to use this to reach out to me, but I was no longer moved by his actions. He had no choice but to lock himself in his room and I could hear him typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing but none of that mattered to me anymore. It was sometime towards the end of spring in the following year, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting for this moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brow, throughout the journey to the hospital. Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite. Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did?
He held the delivery door opened and watched me go in; his warm eyes caused me to manage a smile at him despite my contraction pain. Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son and me, eyes tearing with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hand.. Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor. I cried out for him despite the pain but he lay slumped on the floor, motionless. I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the truth is, I had never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment when I saw him collapse. Doctor then revealed that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already terminal and it was a miracle that he managed to last this long. I asked the doctor when he first discovered he had cancer. Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying: "Prepare for his funeral."
I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hit me. Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning at night was real all this while and he had been putting on a front everytime I came rushing into his room.
His computer revealed the volumes and volumes of words of wisdom he had typed for our son:
"Son, just for you, I have persisted. Its my greatest wish now to be able to take a look at you before I fall. I know that in your life, you will have happiness and some setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice it would be. But daddy no longer has that chance. Daddy has written here all the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's suggestions. Daddy has written all these with happiness but also great disappointment that daddy will not be around to personally hold your hand and guide you through life but after writing all these, daddy feels as if daddy has accompanied you through life’s journey. To be honest, daddy is very happy. Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves you most and also the one who loves me most..." From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work and even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small is written here.
Hubby had also written a letter for me:
"My dear, to marry you was my greatest happiness, forgive me for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I wanted you to welcome our baby with joy without having the burden of knowing that I would not be around later. My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would smile, thank you for loving me...These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to our baby personally, could you help give some of them to him every year, the dates on what to give when are all written on the packaging... "
The pain of reading became too much to bear and I closed the computer and rushed back to the hospital. Hubby was still asleep. I brought our son over and placed him beside. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..." He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I pressed the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang through the air as tears slowly rolled down my face. A final moment of joy.
A fatal misunderstanding and the person who loved me the most in this world is gone forever. Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful footsteps in our family.
This is a true story.
these are my flight tickets!kl-bahrain-frankfurt, stuggart-rome, venice-stuggart.i still keep them for remembrance.my train tickets, most of them are with my brother. hope he still keeps them. huhu.
capitoline museum.it costs about €8.freaking expensive if you don't have a guide.well you have to pay more for the audio guide. its about €20 kot.total up everything well do the maths ok?
my rome map.u can't never get lost.huhu
a postcard my bro wrote(i was beside him at that time) to me when we were in venice. motive? nk cop venice tu. hehe
check in luggage nye tag
oh i miss spending time with my brother. he's not coming back this year due to some problem. but insyallah next year. nevermind then. missing him so much as he understands me the best. love u bro. everytime you go jalan2 buy two keychains for me eh. btw, budapest macam cantik.
love,
me
i miss you.
truly.
1. why don't u wear make-up?
i find that wearing make up hanye lagi mentakcantikkan muka yg sedia kala biasa.
2. why don't u wear heels?
oh sgt senang!my feet hurt so bad after one hour of wearing heels!
3. why don't your wear clothes without sleeve (dresses, sleeveless etc) ?
sbb lengan saye besar
4. why don't your wear skinny jeans?
lg senang sbb peha besar and saye pendek!
these are the question that people always ask me. and these are the answer to all the questions. if one day, one fine day, i manage to lose weight like 5 kgs, i will try to wear skinny jeans la kot. IF and IF i lose weight. haha.
my oh my, i am updating this blog like everyday. haha. well, i have so many time to waste. don't be jealous. haha. i am unemployed and not yet graduating. nothing wrong with wasting time writing blog. huhu. i have a few things to say actually but xpela. later. nk bfast. chiow!
i went to pasar malam with my mom just know. i crave for murtabak jawa for a while da. i can't get this d peninsular. my dad pesan to my mom to buy ikan merah. so we went to usha2 d pasar ikan. the video above basically shows the suasana d pasar ikan. just for your tontonan. hehe. the pictures below show the great murtabak jawa. hehe
chow eating tyme!
as i arrived last friday.my father first asked me 'what is your next plan?'.see.i can not play around and do nothing at home tau.my dad does not like that.therefore, i am really stress to think of job placement.petronas,i beg you.take me!:( the result for my final semester exam will be out this week.so as the interview.this is wha my friend said to me.sumpah cuak!dear friends.please pray for me.i really2 hope i will get a place in petronas.i've been saying about this for quite some time kan?so please doakan.i need your prayers jugak.
as i said before.i have a new phone.i am not blagak-ing its just that i am very much happy to get a phone without using my money.cuz my previous(which i still use) phone, i paid for it.the last time my dad bought me one was when i was in form 5.lame kan?clap2.will cherish and appreciate this phone so very much!the camera is not that cool.but whatever.my dad has promised me a camera if i graduate on time.can't wait for the result.i may not get it this soon.at least during my convocation orait la.huhu.
hp baru adalah E71.
good nite kelip-kelip.
ok back to what i want to tell here.i went out yesterday kn so i waited for my two friends at kl sentral.since i arrived early i sat on those benches provided kt depan niles bookstore.ive got to see people passed by.and and the insteresting part was to see kids, teenagers melepak.to get to see their way of dressing is not something new to us but it always makes me think how could some teens wear baju yg pelik2..pelik2 is subjective so skati saye la kn.why can't they just wear a pair of decent tshirt and jeans?pelik laa.with all those thick make-up, seriously you don't look cool or even close to pretty, beautiful and handsome dear.during my interview with pet, i got a topic on education.lucky me, it's something that i enjoy to discuss on. so, tu yang tgh ckp on serious matter ni.hehe.just stop here je la.haha
nk tgk home alone 3 chow!
